Marriage is not for me.

Don't worry. I haven't thrown in the towel. Sit still and let me explain.

I am 26. Most of my peers that married are getting divorced. They are working on the final pages to the chapter in their lives that society has deemed the "starter marriage." Marriage isn't really sacred in our society anymore. This is tragic but not surprising considering what little is. "Self" is still considered sacred. That is the only real reason to get married anymore. A friend of mine always jokes: "think of the tax benefits." Too bad that is what most people are thinking of. Marriage has be reduced to nothing more than a financial agreement that benefits both parties. Think about it. You can sleep together, live together, buy a house, car, or even adopt a kid together but it is difficult if not impossible depending on your zip code to get benefits, insurance, and a couple of other financially beneficial things.

I don't think very many people go into marriage thinking this way. At least traditional male-female ones. Homosexual ones seem to either be about the above stuff or something to the tune of "we just want to announce are relationship to the public." There should be more to it than money and or public acknowledgement. Marriage isn't easy. Scientists believe that the "effects of love" only last 12-18 months. After that you have to work to maintain the relationship. Even with the best intentions it is easy to get caught up in the "me" of it. Most people say something like "marriage is all about sacrifice." It is and it isn't. That is a crappy slogan too unless you are pushing sports drinks or athlete shoes. No one puts self sacrifice on their daily To-Do List even though the world would be a nicer place if more of us did.

I have pretty much given up on playing video games. I still want to finish Psychonauts for Xbox but I have sold my PS2 and my Gamecube is collecting dust. I actually would have sold that too but oddly enough Shanna wants to keep it. I don't think of this as a sacrifice. To the outsider it may appear that my wife has me whipped and doesn't allow me to play. Nothing could be further from the truth. I have changed, not sacrificed anything. I would rather spend time with Shanna and Emma than playing games by myself. Sometimes I need "me" time and that is where the sacrifice starts to come in as I blogged earlier.

I had it pretty good as a bachelor. I didn't have to clean my room EVER. I had my own bed with my own blankets. I make a terrible sleeping partner since I snore and I like to sleep with blankets and pillows wrapped all around me not spread neatly and tucked in as Shanna prefers. I only had to do dishes when my dad came downstairs and got upset at the mess I made. I had my own bathroom and shower. My "rent" was about 20% of what it is now. I could stay up as late as I wanted, play games, watch movies, listen to music at anytime of the day. My only responsibility was to be at work on time. I filled the rest of the time in with as much sleeping, eating, playing, or "me" activities as I could. If I had taken the time to examine my previous life and look at where a wife, much less a wife and a daughter would fit in I would have seen that marriage wouldn't be for "me." If I wanted to maximize "me" time I should have told Shanna to hit the road and bought 12 pack of soda to keep me awake through an all night WoW binge. Getting married is probably the stupidest thing you can do if you want to live for yourself.

This is the sacrifice. Coming to realize and actually walk the walk that you aren't number one anymore. My greedy human nature tells me that if I find a plate Shanna left out I should leave one of mine or leave hers so she knows what I have to deal with. But I have found that picking up something she left out just because I am the one that found it or changing the roll of toilet paper even if it was empty when I got there encourages her to respond to me in the same way. I try to make myself the person I want to be married to. Sounds weird but say it to yourself until it makes sense. I think any marriage will work as long as both parties can remember that.

So I guess my marriage really isn't for me. I had good intentions going into it and I never meant for it to ever be totally about me but I know I used to put me first more than I do now. I have come to the conclusion that my marriage is for my girls. Mainly Shanna with a bit of Emma tossed in. I am already reaping the benefits so in the end I guess it is for me too. It's kind of like cooking. I can cook my favorite dish for myself and it is hard to beat. But the experience is much more enjoyable if I cook it for someone who enjoys it as much as I do. Hopefully they share some with me but if not things will be just fine.

If you ever hope to get married remember all this stuff. Don't let the idea of sacrifice scare you too much. The best way to live for yourself is to live for someone else. This is the best advice I can give you.


P.S.
I wrote this about 2 weeks ago and I meant to go through it a couple times and clean it up as I don't think all of the wording is quite right. My thoughts are pretty much all there just not as organized and as accessible as I'd like. I got home and wanted to post something but it has been a loooooong week so I am just giving this to you in its original form. No new or original stuff tonight. I will post about the long week later but for now just be warned: If you run on batteries stay far, far away from me.